My Sycophant

2009-12-04T09:47:00.000-08:00

God's Birthday Present to me!

Today is my 36th birthday! Yeah Me! I decided to go work out at the gym this morning before work and God blessed me with the perfect birthday gift. As I entered the packed weight room and moved over to the leg curl machine, I noticed the quintessential Microsoft employee. He was a late 40's early 50's skinny, pasty white nerd with glasses. Not the old school type of nerd you used to feel sorry for when they got spat on riding the bus, but the modern nerd version who grew up, got a job at a software company and thinks he is the smartest guy in the world. He was working out with his trainer who was a 20's something gal (not bad looking) and I could tell this guy was attempting to impress her with the only thing an arrogant pasty white nerd can, his "intellect".
As I began to work out, I noticed that this guy was wearing a Che t-shirt. I hate Che t-shirts almost as much as I hate the morons who wear them. I was thinking of a way I could confront this jackass when God presented me with the perfect opportunity. This guy's trainer asked him who was on his shirt and you could tell from the way his eyes lit up that he was hoping she would ask him that question so that he could impress her with his knowledge of the "great revolutionary" Che Guevara.

The guy goes into his mini lecture on the "great" Che Guevara, telling her "Che was a freedom fighter who fought to free poor people throughout Central America..." he went on to say that "the CIA assassinated him before he was able to free all of the peasants and bring about a just society in Central America." At this point, I've had enough and say, "Why are you lying to her? Che was a mass murderer who tortured innocent men woman and children. He was one of the worst tyrants of the 20th Century." The guy says to me "One man's tyrant is another man's freedom fighter." to which I replied, "Where's your Hitler T-shirt? Is it dirty, or do you only wear it on the Sabbath?" At this point the trainer stepped in, and moved the guy over to a different part of the weight room.

It always shocks me when I see grown, educated men working out at an exclusive and highly expensive club celebrating a guy who would have taken great pleasure in torturing and killing him. The other thing that shocks me is that at this club, most of the low level employees are recent immigrants from Central and South America. The guys who clean up the locker room, wash the floors, and clean the toilets for minimum wage might have relatives who were tortured and murdered by Che and this jackass is prancing around in a Che t-shirt... unbelievable...

2009-06-29T13:59:00.000-07:00

Cat as Pillow.

2009-06-23T18:06:00.000-07:00

Knuckleheads!

I have no idea where these two think this crap up...

2009-06-20T21:35:00.000-07:00

GG's Letter to Violet...

Dear Violet,

It has come to my attention that you are being pressured to give up the binky. Do not, I repeat do not give in to the pressure. Mommas rarely know best when it comes to binkies... Let me tell you that my binky is like a friend, no in fact it is better than a friend. A binky will never let you down. Your Mom is going to attempt all kinds of crazy stuff to get rid of the Binky, bribes, spanking, telling you she "lost" it. Don't believe it. It is all lies... Make a deal with her, you'll give up your binky if she gives up posting on Facebook.

Binky Up!

GG

2009-05-13T09:51:00.001-07:00

Emi hiding in a cupboard!

2009-04-14T10:52:00.000-07:00

Pictures of Emi!

2009-04-08T11:54:00.000-07:00

A couple of remodel pictures...
Our remodel is nearly done... here is my favorite part so far... the new glass garage doors. first the before pictures...

and after...

This baby glows like a chinese lantern at night.

2009-04-07T11:51:00.000-07:00

Movie Time

Yesterday was a big day in my girls life, as I introduced them to my all time favorite movie, "Planet of the Apes". Both GG and Emi loved it. The first scene with the apes they both yelled "Monkeys!". GG asked me why the "monkeys" were talking and I was able tell her it was due to man's inhumanity to man which pretty much describes every situation not covered by my attage either her daddy loved her too much or not enough.

2009-03-17T13:00:00.000-07:00

Greatest Comic Book Cover Ever?

Lileks says this is the greatest comic book cover ever, and I agree!

2009-03-15T22:33:00.001-07:00

Sister Fight!

2009-03-15T21:39:00.000-07:00

GG doing what she does best, Emi doing what she does best....

2009-02-12T11:32:00.000-08:00

My Zoolander Moment

I had a strange Zoolander moment this morning on my way to work. I stopped to get gas at the local gas station, which was unusable busy, and I took the last pump available. As I got out of the car I overheard a lady at the next pump say to a guy pumping gas, "Are you seriously smoking while you pump gas?" The guy who was smoking as he pumped gas said, "Yep". The gal quickly replied, "Then you are as stupid as you look!" The guy sort of shrugged and gave a so what look. Then the lady said, "the worst part of this is that you are going to kill all of us, along with your stupid ass!".

I quickly walked into the gas station to avoid the stupidity. As I walked past the pumps, I counted no less than 12 "No Smoking" signs....

2009-01-09T11:31:00.000-08:00

Emi is a jumping fool!

I haven't posted for a while.... but here is video of Emi who has just learned to jump. She can't jump very high yet. But she can jump alot. GG tries to get into the action...

2008-11-11T10:02:00.000-08:00

Emily Helen Hastings

Here is the eulogy I wrote for my Mom's funeral...

My mom was a great mother first and foremost. She lived her life dedicated to her three sons. She believed in raising men who had a wide variety of interests and talents. She wanted her sons to be renaissance men.

In this vein, she pushed us boys into music at a young age. All of her sons were required to take piano lessons at the age of 6 or 7. Each of her sons excelled at music and over the years we played Piano, violin, cello, electric bass guitar, trumpet, trombone and pretty much any other instrument someone needed us to play. We played all styles of music from classical, jazz, rock, reggae, etc. Expanding our musical horizons she made sure we had season tickets to the Billings Symphony, and we had many great times attending musicals, concerts, etc.

In addition to musical pursuits, mom was passionate that her boys be exposed to physical and intellectual pursuits. Mom insisted we boys figure skate as children. Every Friday afternoon, Mom would load us on a bus in Lewiston, we would get off and spend the night at our grandparents ranch, then early Saturday morning drive into Great Falls to take skating lessons. Mom always sewed the elaborate costume we wore for our Ice Shows. I have often bragged to my wife that my natural grace is directly related to my Mom forcing me to be a figure skater. Mom sacrificed to make sure that us boys could attend Basketball camps, football camps etc. every summer.

Mom was always cutting edge and interested in the latest and greatest new things. She purchased our first computer in the early 80’s when no one had computers. Mom had the foresight to know that her sons needed to intellectually stimulated. To further this, she made us go to computer camps, college for kids and other such pursuits. Mom was very proud that her boys were intellectually curious as she was.

Mom was passionate about making sure her sons had a strong work ethic and that we be self sufficient. This translated in us boys getting paper routes at a very young age. Once each of us were making our own money, our parents made us use or money to purchase the things we wanted. Going to movies, buying keyboards or guitars soon became our responsibility. If we wanted something, we earned the money to buy it ourselves. We were required to wash our own clothes and cook many of our own meals. The value of this self sufficiency did not become apparent to me until I left home and saw how many guys my age couldn’t wash their own clothes or manage their finances.

My Mom was an innovative award winning teacher who touched the lives of hundreds of children in Alaska and Montana. Teaching was very important for my Mother. For many years she was a kindergarten teacher, and realized that some children are not ready to move on to the 1st grade. She seized on this fact and developed a new transition grade to help these children reach their full potential. My brothers and I, over the years, have often run in to former students and the parents of students of my mother and the reaction is always the same, universal love and respect toward my mother as a teacher.

My mom was a lifelong ardent Catholic, who took her Catholic faith very seriously. Mom was always a public school teacher but she made great sacrifices to ensure that her sons attended Catholic grade, middle, and high school. I believe my Mom would have been extremely satisfied that two of her sons graduated from Benedictine Universities. Her faith was source of strength in her life.

Mom was an avid walker. Mom was a five foot tall dynamo. She loved to go walking with friends as a form of exercise. Growing up we walked everywhere. We walked with Mom to school, on vacations we walked across San Francisco, Seattle, Washington DC. I have very vivid memories of often seeing Mom walking with friends with her unique walking style, hands raised above her head to prevent them from swelling.

Growing up with a Mom like Emily was always fun. She had a natural curiosity and a great intellect, and liked to laugh with her kids. You never knew what was going to happen. One time we were coming back from a trip to Richland Washington and stopped in Walla Walla. Walla Walla is known for their great sweet onions and Mom decided to buy two 100lb sacks of onions. We had Mom, Dad, the 3 boys and Grandpa and Grandma in a Chevy Suburban with 200 lbs of onions. It was 100 degrees out and after about 10 miles all of us were suffering from the effects of that many onions in an enclosed space. My dad decided to mask the smell buy putting the onions into our sleeping bags…. 5 years later those sleeping bags still smelled like Walla Walla sweet onions…

2008-11-03T13:58:00.000-08:00

Nice Fall Day

Saturday was a nice fall day so I asked the girls to help me rake up some leaves. It only took about five minutes for them to decided it was much more fun to play in the pile of leaves....

2008-10-13T13:04:00.000-07:00

Happy Anniversary Wife!

Happy anniversary wife! We met 15 years ago this month and married 7 years ago this month which demonstrates our subconscious desire for efficiency by having both of our possible anniversaries in the same 15 day span.

The past year has been the best yet as we have been able to see our two children grow and demonstrated both the best and the worst parts of each of us. It is my sincerest hope that we have 50 more great years together!

I often thought that the best decision I ever made was to ignore the advice of my friends who claimed if I dated you, you would somehow end up killing me in the end. It has been 15 years and I am still alive, so the jokes on them!

2008-08-22T15:12:00.001-07:00

Emi interacts with Robot GG.

2008-06-09T09:55:00.001-07:00

Might Makes Right!

GG is learning the concepts of "bigger" and "smaller". She now knows that she is bigger than Baby, and in turn she is smaller that Daddy and Moma (for now). Being bigger than someone naturally give you the right to put them in their place as these pictures demonstrate.

Baby sitting on a chair, GG jumps up to same chair.

Baby begins to realize that the chair is not big enough for two...

GG begins the process of extracting Baby from chair.

Process nearly complete...

Sweet victory!

2008-05-20T10:02:00.000-07:00

Emi eats a Sucker.

Emi has a bit of a sweet tooth.

2008-05-16T09:22:00.000-07:00

Random pictures from last weekend.

2008-05-06T11:06:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday Wife!

Happy 33rd birthday wife! I have now know you for 45% of your life and each day thank God that I lucked into meeting you. You are an awesome wife, great mother, supreme earner, and my best friend. I hope you have a fantastic birthday, and believe that today is the first day of the year of Naarah.

2008-05-05T14:29:00.001-07:00

Interview with GG.

Ignore the small bit of nosepicking at the end. She is a work in progress.

2008-04-16T10:02:00.000-07:00

Emi goes for a ride

2008-04-03T16:48:00.000-07:00

Global Warming My Ass!

Last weekend we were hit by a pretty large snow storm. I was out in West Seattle for dinner and as I drove home, I found out it was going to be pretty tough to get home. The snow was piling up and as I reach the plateau, there was about six inches on the roads. Taxi's were spun out and I had to park my car and walk about a mile home through the snow. It was the heaviest snow I've seen in a while, and on my way home I had to dodge tree limbs that were snapping off. Here are some picture of GG enjoying the snow.

2008-03-24T13:17:00.001-07:00

Easter Egg Hunt Photos.

2008-03-18T13:57:00.000-07:00

GG Plays the Guitar...

2008-03-05T10:51:00.001-08:00

GG on the Drums

Our Au Pair took a picture of GG on the drums a while back, and I thought I would share. She has a total Jazz drummer vibe going on. White turtle neck, page boy hair cut, she would fit in with all the hep cats.

2008-02-05T15:48:00.000-08:00

Wee Nut update!

Today I took Emi to the Doctor for her 9 month checkup. The results were as explected, we have a very small child. She was 25-50% for height, weight, and head circumference. This news has caused me to re-evaluate Emi's future. I've cancelled the high fashion model class scheduled for 2018, and stopped payment on the basketball camp down payments. I was able to oreder a loom from some Indian style EBay site, so everyone should expect intricate woven rugs for the fore seeable future. I've also been in touch with a circus or two and sent her stats out to www.onlyweemunchkins.com At the Doctor's office, Emi was lucky enough to get 5 shots! Not really a happy camper anymore.

2008-01-23T05:52:00.000-08:00

Animals in a cage!

2008-01-13T21:08:00.000-08:00

GG and the Ducks!

Today was an unusually nice day for January in Seattle, so we packed up the kids and went to visit the ducks. Here are some pictures of ducks.

2008-01-10T09:44:00.000-08:00

Genius Daughter # 1

Last night GG wanted a treat, so she reached into the "cracker" drawer and grabbed a fruit roll up. This is the first time she has had a fruit roll up and I explained to her as I unwrapped it, what it was. I told her that it is crushed fruit rolled up into a tube with plastic on the outside, and she shouldn't eat the plastic.

GG said thanks, unwrapped it and started licking it. A few minutes later, GG was rumaging through the cupboards and emerged with a rolling pin. I didn't think much of it, as I was concentrating on eating diner. A few minutes later I noticed GG standing at the coffee table attempting to roll out her chewed up fruit roll up. There was a large sticky blue pile on the table and GG was using the rolling pin to remake her fruit roll up. I have know idea how she thought that up....

2007-12-30T10:30:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year!

Freaks... over there!

Yes, she is giving you the bird...

2007-12-26T12:31:00.000-08:00

GG and I baking cookies.
Last year the wife attempted to make Christmas cookies with mixed success. This year I gave it a try with GG as my "assistant". As a Chef she fails, but she is pretty good as a taster, and in making a huge mess.

2007-12-19T21:49:00.001-08:00

GG Dancin'

2007-12-19T12:39:00.001-08:00

GG Eating the Christmas Tree.

2007-11-30T14:16:00.001-08:00

Damn, Evel is Dead!

2007-10-15T20:46:00.001-07:00

GG at the Park

Yesterday was unusually nice out so I took GG to the park. Here are some videos.

GG Swinging

GG climbs the ladder

GG Climbs the Slide

2007-10-07T12:59:00.000-07:00

Sister vs. Sister

2007-10-07T12:56:00.000-07:00

Ninja!

2007-08-29T10:44:00.000-07:00

GG with some Shakers!

I made some home made shakers with some old easter eggs and fruit flavored cheerios for GG to play with. She loves them.

2007-08-20T14:06:00.001-07:00

Me Shooting...

A pretty cool shot of me shooting the hell out of cardboard a few weeks ago...

2007-08-15T22:28:00.000-07:00

Some of my ancestors...

Maine is quite literally littered with graveyards. Every few miles you come along a new graveyard. The interesting thing is that many of these graveyard seem to be placed on hills. Maybe so they wouldn't take up usable farm land or something. We stopped at the East Bethel Cemetary to look at a few of my relatives gravestones.

Here is my Grandfather William Straw Hastings. Straw was not his given middle name. I will update the story of why he took the middle name Straw in my next post. He and a good friend of his drown in a boating accident when my dad was nine.

My Grandmother, Ruth Linnie Cole Hastings. Raised 3 children by herself by working as a teacher. Completed her college degree late in life. I remember very little about her except that she sewed us boys a ton of clothes, and when she died, we inherited her Ford Grenada.

My Great Grandfather, George Kimball Hastings. He committed suicide a few months after my Grandfather died. He was depressed about the death of his son, had some health problems, and a great hatred for hospitals due to his feelings that hospitals led to his wife's death. He was a big time hunter and worked with his uncle Gideon to trap capture wild animals. A deer George caught was sold to Central Park in 1890.

My Great Grandmother, May L Hastings. To put her two sons through college, May went into the egg producing business.

My Uncle...He was a Marine, and the quintessential outdoors guy. Worked in the woods of New Hampshire all of his life and specialized in underwater rescue / recovery.

And finally, my dad and step mom. It is a little weird to stand next to your father looking down on his grave stone. He made sure to tell us that he doesn't want to be buried there...he wants to be cremated and scattered over Montana. The stone is for letting people know that he exited.

My next post will be on the 3 Hastings houses in Bethel. One of them is a museum, one a private residence (but maintained as a museum)and the third is a bed and breakfast complete with an Italian restaurant and martini bar.

2007-08-05T19:00:00.000-07:00

Hastings Farm.

I'm still up in the woods of Maine and have only a very sketchy Internet connection but here are a few pictures of my trip down Hastings Lane.

The Hastings Farm. It has been in the family since 1792. My Dad's cousin Sonny has a dairy operation set up, and raises corn and hay. In Minnesota, they have a bunch of "Century Farms", farms that have been in the same family for 100 years. This one has been in the same family for over 200 years.

Right below the Hastings Farm sign is a large granite boulder with a metal sign attached. Here is a picture.

The sign says,

Non Historical Marker. On this spot February 29, 1776 Absolutely Nothing Happened.

We were at the family farm to celebrate the birthday of my Dad's Aunt. She is 103 years old... and very alert. She made sure that we all went out to look at her cows.

Here is a picture of the house build in 1792. I have pictures of my great great grandfather and his family sitting right out front these very same doors.

In 1923, my Grandpa build his family a house across the driveway from this house. My Dad and his brother and sister were all born in this house. In the basement, my grandma set up a chicken operation and incubated chickens to sell the eggs and broilers. My dad said he always hated having to go down to work in the chicken coop in the basement. Here is a picture of the house:

Here was my grandparent's room, and the room my dad was born in.

It is a little strange to travel 3,000 miles across the country and stand in the exact room your father was born in 73 years ago. Anyway, I'll post more later. Tomorrow we are taking a train up the tallest mountain east of the Mississippi - Mount Washington. I've got a bunch of shots of the old gravestone of my ancestors, and some really cool pictures of some of my ancestors houses that are now museums, and in one case a martini bar...

2007-07-30T08:01:00.000-07:00

Emirie Directing Traffic!

2007-07-30T07:56:00.001-07:00

GG's Injury.
Here are a couple of pictures of GG's injury. The cut is in the shape of a perfect "J" on her lip...

2007-07-27T09:25:00.000-07:00

GG's trip to the ER

The Hastings proclivity for facial scars takes another victim. My body is marred by any number of scars, from the "Big One" the six inch long, 1/2 inch wide scar down the back of my ankle to the strange backward "Y" Harry Potter like scar on my forehead. I have a "new" scar on the left side of my nose from striking my face on an open bathroom vanity drawer, and an old 2" long football scar on the back of my right arm. Last night, GG proved her Hastingsness by slicing her lip open.

We were planning on attending a "Sammamish City Nights" concert last night, and as I came home from work, everything was fine. GG was upstairs with Mama, and as she often does when I get home, she said "Dadda?" I said hi GG, then heard the double thud of an excited GG tumbling down the stairs.

GG immediately started crying, and as I went up the stairs to get her, she looked scared but fine. All of a sudden in a split second, there was blood everywhere. She was lying on her back on the middle portion of the stairs and blood was running from her mouth all over her face and into her eyes. I grabbed her, took her down to the kitchen, and began to wipe away the blood. Just my luck I happened to be wearing a crisp white dress shirt that was now soaked in blood.

After wiping away most of the blood, the injury didn't appear too bad. About a 1/2 inch gash on the right side of her lip. The gash was a gaping gash and was bleeding pretty good. I looked and it didn't go all the way through and her teeth were all present and accounted for. Naarah took a look, and after vetoing my trip to the ER when I cut my face open six months earlier, declared we need to go to the Emergency room.

By the time we packed up GG, she was in a pretty good mood and excited to go on an adventure with Momma and Dadda. At the emergency room, we waited in the lobby for about 2 hours and GG had a good time running around looking at the fish tanks, and pretty much having a great time. Naarah and I talked about just going home, but a nurse said that we really should get the gash sown up, so that she wouldn't be horribly scarred for life.

After seeing the doctor and being told that she would need stitches, we sat around in the ER room for another hour and tried to get GG to hold a topical anesthetic to her lip. The doctor said that if we could get her to numb up her lip, we wouldn't have to restrain her when she got stitches. - GG didn't really like to hold the anesthetic to her lip, so we went with plan #2 restrain a toddler.

Naarah left because she didn't want to see what was going to happen, as the male nurse came in with the restraints (1 pillow case and a few blankets.) The nurse told GG that he was going to make her a superman cape and proceeded to tuck GG's arms into a pillow case behind her body. After GG got her cape on, we laid her down, and stretched a blanket across her upper torso. The doctor came by and said, "you better restrain her legs too, you really don't want to be kicked in the head by a toddler..." So the nurse stretched a sheet across her legs.

As soon as the Doctor poked her lip with the syringe GG yelled out "All Done" and began to scream and thrash around. She continue to yell "All Done" and the Doctor said "I bet". GG is strong like bull, it took two grown men, the nurse and myself to restrain her. The nurse laid across her upper torso and I was responsible for laying across her legs. GG is super strong, and I started to sweat trying to keep her from kicking the crap out of all three of us.

It took about ten minutes for the Doctor to give GG 5 stitches and through the whole thing she kept crying and saying "All Done". When the stitching was over, we let GG get up and she was drenched in sweat. Her hair was sticking straight out and she looked like the mug shot of Nick Nolte after he was arrested for a 3 day bender. GG recovered pretty quickly and as we drove home 4 hours after she fell down the stairs, she spend the car ride home pointing out the moon to us.

2007-07-27T08:23:00.000-07:00

GG continues her singing career.

Last weekend our friend Anthony brought over his projector and karaoke game and we set it up in our newly created Rumpus Room. The projector gives us about an 8' by 12' screen, and the surround soound really seems to help with the singing. As you can see by the clip bellow, GG has added crowd interaction to her singing repertoire.

enjoy--

2007-07-12T14:13:00.000-07:00

Update on House Work...

Since the wife and kids are off having their "Summer of Fun" I've taken my bachelorhood time to do a lot of the things that I don't have the time or energy to do when the house is full.

Jobs completed so far...
Used the blower to blow all dirt, leaves, and what not off of the roof.
Used the blower to clean the deck and driveway.
Purchased a power washer and powerwashed the deck both front and back.
Power washed the driveway and retaining walls.
Stained the front deck - the wrong color.
Stained a large portion of the back deck.
Picked up and assembled new bedroom furniture.
Partially cleaned out the rumpous room.
Partially clean out the downstairs storage room.
Purchased a new gas weed wacker and weed wacked the yard.

Here are some pictures:

2007-07-12T12:38:00.000-07:00

A classic GG Video.

I recently learned that there are a lot of GG Haters out there. Poor Jealous Bastards! I learned at a young age that being a super genius has both benefits and drawbacks. It was a hard lesson to learn and I'm not looking forward to the day that it dawns on GG that most people are not as bright or cute as she is....You can't show pity to these people because even with their reduced intelligence, they seem to resent your pity.

2007-07-03T20:57:00.000-07:00

Guy's Weekend.

A couple of weeks ago I went down to my brother's inlaw's cabin by Mount Ranier. We drank, fished, and shot the hell out of just about everything. So why do I have a picture of daisies to kick off the guy's weekend post? Because while we we shooting everything and anything, we noticed this:

That's right, Albino frickin' Spider....
Beat that Sally!

2007-06-11T14:25:00.000-07:00

Wild Animal Sighting!

I was walking around my yard yesterday and had a wild animal sighting. Luckily, I had by camera phone with me and was able to snap a photo. The good news is that the animal appears to be a herbivore.

2007-06-07T09:07:00.000-07:00

GG Off to School!

Picture of GG going off to school. There was a tense moment or two when she sneezed and lost her binky. I successfully located said binky under the front seat of the car and disaster was averted.

2007-06-04T21:31:00.000-07:00

I've Got Two Words!

HELL'S KITCHEN!

It's back baby. The first episode of the season and five people have already cried. I'm betting on the only guy who looks like a winner, Eddie!

2007-05-27T15:54:00.000-07:00

Japanese Tourist Watch!

Back in the days before I had a blog and when I was working at Microsoft, I used to see a ton of Japanese Tourists on the Microsoft Campus. I don't know why anyone would visit a corporate office park on vacation, but the Japanese are a little different. The interesting thing is that these tourists don't even get to go into any buildings -- they pretty much just get to look at the outsides of a nondescript office park. Everyone of them does get their photo taken next to one of the Microsoft signs.

In honor of my return, I present a new series: What the goofy Japanese Tourists are Wearing!

Excuse the bad photo, I took it with my phone's camera as I was driving by. This guy is wearing black tennis shoes with pulled up white tube socks. The sock have the excellent racing stripes. He is wearing white clamdiggers, a belt and to top it all off, he has a black t-shirt with the Playboy bunny in white on the front. Expect to see everyone in America sporting this outfit in like five years...

2007-05-13T12:59:00.000-07:00

Sisters

Here is a quick shot of GG holding Emirie. GG really likes her. She get mad when you grab try to take her away.

2007-05-10T14:50:00.000-07:00

Emirie Reagan Hastings!
This kid has a ton of black curly hair.

2007-05-02T19:26:00.000-07:00

New Post!

I got a new job, so I've been a bit too busy to blog for a while, but the latest issue of my home town rag, The Sammamish Review's police blotter is way to good this week.

The Sammamish Review doesn't post the police blotter online, so no link. Here we go.

Misplaced Rage

A 19-year-old male was arrested after causing a disturbance in his family's home in the 200 block of 222nd Avenue Northeast at 8 a.m. April 15. the suspect alleged that a member of his family had stolen a $5 bill that the suspect had left on the couch in the house. In his rage, he smashed a plate in the kitchen and began to empty out the refrigerator. Police responded and arrested the suspect. While booking him into jail, an officer found a $5 bill to be in the suspect's possession.

The cops had to be laughing their ass off at this moron.

2007-04-22T20:57:00.000-07:00

GG puts on some Shoes.

2007-04-18T18:14:00.000-07:00

A Quick question for you.....

Do all teachers wear novelty teeth?

2007-04-11T20:51:00.000-07:00

Lady Grooming

My mother-in-law has a post on Lady Grooming. Don't ask me why, she just does. This freaking Internets thing is really something. Any who, here are some ideas for when Jan loses her eyebrows.

No Eyebrow Jan.

Angry Jan.

Surprised Jan.

Ernie Jan.

Old Lady Jan.

2007-04-09T07:25:00.000-07:00

Easter at the Hastings

We had Easter Brunch at our house and had a little Easter Egg Hunt for all the kids that attended. The weather ended up being fantastic! Here are some pictures.

2007-04-06T14:44:00.000-07:00

Update on new direction of blog!!!!!

The response to my new format, of long, well thought out posts about the intricacy of my soul has been less than tepid (Note to Naarah, tepid means warm). The people have spoken, or in this case, not spoken. I'm no dummy, I believe in giving the people what they want.... So in that vein, enjoy.

2007-04-05T13:54:00.000-07:00

Part Two: Playing in the trenches.

My next foray into the music business was playing in the house band of a two bit dinner theater in the middle of nowhere Montana. The drummer from Vertigo recruited me to play at a place called Calamity Jane’s. We performed three live comedy musical revues a week and I earned a flat rate of $65 bucks a night. For a fifteen year old, $195 a week for six hours of “work” is a pretty good job. The only problem with it is that the three shows were Thursday, Friday, and Saturday night.

We played 60’s and 70’s rock songs to accompany a bevy of small town theater folk as they put on a comedy show. The key to running a successful dinner theater, is to have upbeat music, at least one “wacky” comedy guy, and at least one hot female performer. Calamity Jane’s was better than most dinner theaters because they had managed to find probably the only Black female singer in the state of Montana. Ms. Williams could sing any of the great Motown songs of the sixties perfectly. You will never go broke in Montana charging Good Ole Boy Ranchers money to watch a good looking Black gal sing. Ms. Williams earned enough money to drive a red sports car with a vanity plate that said “SHO NUFF”.

Probably the strangest thing that happened to me while working at Calamity Jane’s happened on extremely busy Friday night. The place was packed with Ranchers and they were a pretty good crowd. The drinks were flowing fairly well, and by the third act, most of those cowpokes were pretty well in the bag. One of the characters in the show was a drunk, he would come on stage tell a few jokes and launch into a rendition of Bottle of Wine. It starts like this:

Bottle of wine,
Fruit of the vine,
When you going to let me get sober?

Anyway, at the end of the song, the actor goes on to tell a few more jokes. At one point, he is telling a story, and as he approaches the punch line, the cowboy sitting right in front of me takes a big swig of his beer. As the actor gives the punch line to the joke, the cowboys spits an entire mouth full of beer all over me, he’s laughing so hard.

I worked this job for the summer but quit to play football once school started. I learned two things about audiences with this job; first, if the audience is drunk enough, they will not notice mistakes, and two, accountants are the worst audience in the world. Never, ever, play for a CPA conference.

The next phase in my evolution into the best bass guitarist that you know encompasses the four years playing in various school sponsored bands. In high school, I played in the pep band, concert band, and the Jazz band. Each of these bands was led by the same music director, who had been my band director since the fifth grade.
Anyone who has ever attended a high school sporting event is familiar with the curse of the Pep Band. High School Pep bands range in competence from excruciatingly crappy to merely sub par. Our pep band was somewhere in the middle.

I was eased into the Pep band due to the fact that one of my older brothers played the bass and was three years ahead of me in school. I basically was forced by my brother to serve as his roadie for the year, hauling his crap around and making sure that all of the equipment was operational. I was able to play during a few football games because my brother on the football team, but basically I sat and listened until the final basketball game of the year.
For the final basketball game of the year, the senior in both basketball and the pep band were “honored”. This basically means that you walked arm and arm with your parents across the court and were introduced to the crowd. My brother decided to participate in the “honor” getting drunk and wearing a full gorilla suit. Due to the difficulty of playing the bass wearing gorilla gloves, I was able to play the entire game by default.

The key to maintaining a merely crappy High School Pep band is song selection. If your school has money, they can do a pretty decent job of purchasing music each year and staying only about 15 to 18 months behind the time. On the other hand, if your school is poor like mine was, you get stuck playing weird disco music from twenty years ago, or you get stuck with bargain basement contemporary tunes. Here is a list of the songs we played:

Hot Stuff (pretty cool disco song)
The Rubber Band Man (so-so disco song)
The Tide is High (Disco masquerading as Reggae, can be cool, but not when we played it)
La Bamba (Horrible)
Conga (Anything by Miami Sound Machine makes me shudder)
Danger Zone (off the Top Gun soundtrack, definitely not one of Kenny Login’s best)
The Final Countdown (The band was Europe. Always distrust popular music sung in English by people who don’t speak English.)

We played those same songs over and over again through the four years I attended school. My brothers played the exact same song in the four years they were in Pep band, and I would bet almost anything that those same songs are still being played at that school.

What I learned from Pep band is that everything that has ever been said about band geeks is true. Playing in a pep band will not get you noticed by girls, it will not get you a record deal, and it will not even impress your mother. If you like playing in Pep band, you probably play dungeons and dragons when you aren’t practicing for Pep band.
My concert band experience was utterly forgettable. When I got into high school, my band director who had looked the other way when I played electric bass suddenly changed his mind and required that I play a “real” concert band instrument. I was forced to take up the trombone.

The dirty little secret about trombone players, is that they grow up to be CPAs. The trombone is a moronic instrument for morons. If you ever want to impress your non musical friends, here is how you play:

Pick up trombone
Blow into mouth piece
Move slide back and forth.

That’s it. That is all you have to do. Trombone players spend the majority of their time arguing amongst themselves about whose spit valve has the largest volume. These are definitely not the guys in the band you want to party with.

After a year of playing trombone I used the excuse of braces to switch over to percussion, specifically the Glockenspiel. Only the top 1% of percussionists can play the Glockenspiel due to the fact that it has notes. Percussionists are people, (typically male), who beat on things with sticks. When they are not beating on percussion instruments with sticks, they beat on each other with sticks. If you take away their sticks, they beat on each other with fists. If you cut off their arms, they would head butt each other.

The percussionists didn’t beat on me with sticks, due to the fact that I had the magical ability to pay notes on the Glockenspiel. The percussionists viewed me as some sort of wizard, and as such they stayed their distance.

2007-04-03T13:19:00.000-07:00

Why I went college instead of becoming a rock star.

Part 1 How to Rock it even if your voice hasn't changed yet:

I hate to brag, but I’m pretty much the greatest bass guitar player you have ever met. Now, I’m not saying I’m a fancy lass when it comes to playing the bass, I’m a solid, core structure kind of player. I decided long ago not to be “that guy” in the band who tries to wow the audience with his virtuosity on the bass. Great bassists are the opposite of the best children they should be heard but not seen.

I started playing bass when I was ten years old, which means I’ve been playing for twenty three years. Most bass guitar players are failed lead guitarists, and they play the bass like it’s a fat guitar. Not me, I’m the essence of subtle. I learned to play this way as a child playing the electric bass in a middle school concert band. While other kids were playing the clarinet and flute, (quick aside, if your boy comes to you and says he wants to play the clarinet or the flute, hit him with one), I was trying to convince my band director that if electricity had been invented in Bach’s time, he would have wanted an electric bass in his orchestras.

I think the only reason my band director relented and let me play such an unorthodox concert band instrument is because he had a goal of winning state with a high school Jazz band. He made the calculation that in six years, I might be a decent bass player and could anchor a pretty good Jazz band. For a band director in small town Montana, winning state with your Jazz band is pretty much on par with playing Carnegie Hall.

By the time I was in Junior High, I was getting pretty decent on the bass, and joined a three piece punk band called Vertigo. We were about as cool as you could get for a Junior High punk band, we started out practicing in the garage, and quickly began renting out the VFW and Elks club and producing our own shows. We hit pretty quickly on the fact that in Montana, there wasn’t a lot of entertainment options for the demographic now known as “Tweens”.

A typical show would work like this; we would find some Southern California punk band that was touring, convince them to stop in Billings on their way from Missoula to Minneapolis, rent out a club, market the concert, and be the opening band. This always worked great. We would charge $5 at the door, get 500 – 600 kids to attend, pay the club $1000, give the main band $500 and keep the rest. My take was $400 - $500 bucks a night. Over time, we became popular enough to pull in crowds without hiring a headlining band which increased our take.

With experience, our shows began to increase in both longevity, and entertainment value. We looked pretty professional with our home made signage. We had a king sized sheet with a tie died pattern that spiraled into a point in the middle of the sheet. At the very point of the spiral, we silk screened a silhouetted man falling into the spiral. Across the top was written “Vertigo”. The sing was soon followed by T-shirts, and stickers, pretty much anything we could think of to increase our branding and revenue streams.

We reinvested much of our profits on more elaborate shows. We began to rent lighting, and even started to rent smoke machines. It was pretty sweet to turn down the 16 gel lights, kick up the smoke machine, and start playing the opening bars of our original song Polaris (as in the north star, very, very heavy, man). By the time the band began to run out of steam, we were starting to construct our own pyrotechnics in the drummer’s garage.

During the two years I was in the punk band, I only had one groupie. I first noticed her at one of our early shows. She was a short, bull dog faced, Goth. She always sat right in front of me and stared at me for two hours. Sometimes the stage lights would reflect off her dog chain necklace and highlight her powdered porcelain colored skin, bringing to attention the veins she had drawn onto her neck with mascara. It was really creepy.

By the time I got into high school, the members of Vertigo were heading in different directions, the guitarist went on to be a music major I think, while the drummer went on to be a heroin addict. I saw him many years later in Billings, frail, pale, and on his way out. He was a diabetic, so he had to fear of needles.

Next up, the high school years, or how to keep your head when yokels are throwing underwear at you.

2007-03-26T15:20:00.000-07:00

GG's New Chair!

GG doesn't want you to see how happy she is with her new chair. You wouldn't believe how difficult it is to find a decent chair for a toddler. Most toddler chairs look like someone took Grandma's chair and left it in the dryer too long.

We went to Target yesterday, more to get out of the house than anything else. Walking down the aisles, we spotting this kick butt leather chair that looks pretty similar to my Barcalounger. I called on the customer service phone to see if they had one in the box. The Target guy said the chair on display was the only one they had, so I grabbed it just as a couple of ladies were bending down to pick it up. Eat it suckas! The best part, was that this chair only cost $59.99.

When we got it home, GG immediately sat in it, then stood on it, then attempted to jump from the back of the chair to the couch. The nut loves her new chair. I think I'm going to teach her how to sit on in Mork from Ork style tonight.

2007-03-26T12:21:00.000-07:00

GG Sings Karaoke!

Here is a video of GG singing Karaoke along with Anthony.

2007-03-23T14:33:00.000-07:00

You Want to Buy A Monkey?

I'm pretty sure this monkey was headed for Naarah.

2007-03-22T08:31:00.000-07:00

GG vs. Ava!

Let me post 2 pictures that will demonstrate the difference between Ava and GG.

Ava rides, while GG drives!

2007-03-19T13:47:00.000-07:00

GG Rocks Out!

I believe that Ava just got served!

2007-03-07T12:45:00.000-08:00

New GG video!

A few months ago, GG figured out that she could control her parents through audible stimulation. The first time she did this, the wife and I attempted to ignore the horrible sound of fingernails on a metal surface. We knew that if GG noticed even a slight twinge in our bodies in response to the sound, that we would be constantly subjected to the whims of a 15 month old.

I'm here to say that it is physically impossible to not react to a sound much like the sound of fingernails on a chalk board. I bet you cringed a little as you read my last sentence. Welcome to our new puppet master.

2007-03-06T12:55:00.000-08:00

GG Channels the High Plains Drifter.

I'm right in the middle of story boarding my all children cast Western. It is sort of a cross between Bugsy Malone and High Plains Drifter. I figure as long as I'm this far along, I can publicly post photos of some early costume ideas, and not give any idea stealers a chance to beat me to the punch.

The basic story revolves around a crooked town sheriff (Sheriff BlackJohn) who is brutalizing both man and beast. It opens with the bad sheriff forcing cats to entertain unruly ranchers in the local "Cat House". The ranchers are heckling a performer (Lil Miss Pickles) and Sheriff BlackJohn slaps the cat around and pulls her tail.

Into this lawless, God forsaken, flea bitten (literally) town rides a courageous hero to save the day. Using both guile and a strange command of feline affection, the stranger unites the good people of the town for the climatic battle against Sheriff BlackJohn.

Here are some early costume and prop shots.

And no, Ava can't have a part. The rumors are that she is much too temperamental.

2007-02-22T08:21:00.000-08:00

The Columbians are Clown Hunting!

This article tells the tale of two Columbians clowns who were shot down during a circus performance in Cucuta Columbia Monday night. Apparantly a guy just burst into the tent during the performance and started shooting.

The local police chief was quoted as saying, "The killings had nothing to do with the show the victims were performing at the time of the incident,". I have to call bullsh*t on this one. How does the police chief know that the clowns' performance did not cause the man to go bonkers?

I've seen plenty of clown performances in my day from the run of the mill 5 year old birthday party clown, to the "Clownin' Around for Jesus" clowns, to the high falutin' French Canadian smarmy clown, and each time I have had a tiny urge to start shooting. As many of you know, I have almost Superhuman self control. (See wife blog) If I get a tiny urge to shoot clowns every time I see them "perform", a lesser man really can't be blamed for acting on his urge. For all I know, Columbian clown performance may quite litererly be the ninth circle of hell.

2007-02-20T12:32:00.000-08:00

The Results are in!

2007-02-15T16:21:00.000-08:00

Who's got more street cred?

Here is a little question for you! Which kid has more street credibility? The one on the left or the one on the right? The one on the left, Ava - blonde, German sounding name, holding a fiesta bag, going out to look for her tiddlie - winks. The one on the right, Double G - brunette, dressed to the nines, with a crazy eyed killar look. You don't know if she is going to say "hi!", or jump off that side table and kill you with her mad Kung Fu.

Look at it another way, if you dropped both kids off in the Ghetto, which one is going to get mugged in like 6 seconds, and which one is going to be rollin' with the homeys? I think we all know the answer....

2007-02-13T14:53:00.000-08:00

GG Rides her horse!

2007-02-13T14:06:00.000-08:00

She gets fitted for her grillz next week!

2007-02-06T14:51:00.000-08:00

Her Mother's Daughter.

The kid was infectious yesterday, so I stayed home with her. It wasn't too bad because she was in a better mood, but one incident bears telling. I was busy doing some work when I noticed that the Kid had wandered off and was being relatively quiet. As any parent knows, this sets off large, loud warning bells in your head.

I went to investigate, and at first glance, it looked like the kid was enjoying a Baby Ruth bar. I could see the chocolaty nougat sticking out from between her lips. I said to myself, "hmm, I wonder were she got the candy bar from?" I thought the wife may have had a pregnancy snack fall out of her purse or something. As I got closer, I realized that it wasn't a Baby Ruth. It was a cat turd, and by the looks of it, a pretty fresh one.

As any good Father would, I started for the camera before I stopped myself and extracted said turn from my little angel's mouth. You can be damn well sure that she didn't get cat turd eating from my side of the family.

2007-01-29T13:39:00.000-08:00

This just in!

Small gay men have successfully domesticated squirrels, we are all doomed!

2007-01-26T08:38:00.000-08:00

Two blogs you should check out.

Here are a couple of blogs I recommend. The first is the Secrect Diary of Steve Jobs (Dude, I invented the Friggin IPod. Have you heard of it?) It is a funny ass parody of Steve Jobs. He often talks about how he hypnotizes the government officials who are try to indict him for a stock scam.

The second is in a similar vein, the Secret Diary of Hillary Clinton (YOU DON'T LIKE ME. I DON'T LIKE YOU. SEE? WE'RE PERFECT TOGETHER.) The post where she complains about the girl stalking her (it's Chelsea Clinton) is pure gold.

2007-01-25T19:52:00.000-08:00

Check out the prison garb.

GG spilled a little juice on her pants today and we were out of back up clothes so the daycare put her is prison overalls. It is hard to see it in these pictures, but the words "Property of La Petite Academy" are printed on these overalls. The first picture is a pretty good shot of the kid's buck teeth, and the second shot is titled "The artist at work".

2007-01-22T22:23:00.000-08:00

Let us pass a new law.

I don't know if anyone else has noticed this or not, but I am beginning to become gravely concerned with the explosion of celebrity voice over work in commercials. In the old days, celebrities would never lower themselves to appear on television. TV was where movie careers went to die. Orson Wells, at the end of his life a bloated hack, took work in commercials and was always kind of frowned upon by his former colleagues. Mickey Rooney also famously performed in Rainier Beer ads in the late 70's and 80's. Aaron Spelling famously designed a TV show around the concept of bringing on aging former movie stars as guest stars on The Love Boat.

The latest evidence of the dumbing down of celebrities has gone too far in my opinion. All of a sudden, all of the voice over work in commercials is done by movies stars. For instance, Honda now has Kevin Spacey doing the voice over work in their commercials. He states at one point that, "We work hard to bring you the best cars out there." Excuse me Kevin, what exactly did you design in the latest Honda? Did you take a few months off after filming your Bobby Darin epic to create a better ash tray in the Civic? How stupid do you think I am Kevin Spacey?

Commercial voice over work used to be the domain of extremely ugly, obese, buck-toothed, rejects who's Moms had trouble looking at them. My question is, "What the hell are these people doing now that all their jobs have been taken by the "Glory Boys"?" Does Kevin Spacey really need the extra million from Honda?

If the Democrats cared about the ugly people, they would pass a law.

2007-01-20T21:02:00.000-08:00

I read sometimes...

At the expense of being made fun of by all of my readers, I must admit, that from time to time, I read books. There, I said it. The wife and I were at a party one time and this guy was making fun of his wife by telling us all the stupid things she did. His final piece of evidence that his wife was a moron consisted of the fact that she read. Not magazines mind you, but this guy's wife actually read books.

I just finished a biography of Mark Twain by Ron Powers. When I was about half way through, I told the wife that the book was boring the hell out of me. It got a little better towards the end, even though I knew what would happen. The interesting tid bit from the book was this quote from Twain about the US occupation of the Philippians in 1900. "But now - why, we have got into a mess, a quagmire from which each fresh step renders the difficulty of extrication immensely greater. I'm sure I wish I could see what we were getting out of it, and all it means to us as a nation." It looks like Mark Twain was the first person to describe a US war as a quagmire!

2007-01-19T14:36:00.000-08:00

I love the Sammamish Review.

Our local rag is called the Sammamish Review. Many of you probably have similar small community "newspapers", the primary goal of which seems to be to provide a place for Realtors to list their properties and also serve as a place for cranks (like the wife) to complain about the general conditions in our communities and to pick fights with liberal do-gooders who won't be happy till our community is exactly like the California town they left do to increase un-livability.

My favorite part of our local rag is the police blotter section toward the end of the paper. Sammamish is a small bedroom community of Seattle and as such, usually the types of crimes that are reported are property theft or teenager dope fiends. Here are a few of my favorites from the January 17th edition of the Sammamish Review (Note: these are not linked due to the fact that the Sammamish Review is not online).

Bad Haircut
At 6:15 p.m. Dec. 20, police responded to an alleged assault that took place at an in home hair salon in the 3100 block of 214th Place Southeast. The victim, a 66-year old female who runs a salon out of her garage, accused a 50-year-old male of slapping her across the face after she had made fun of him during an appointment. The blow sent her crashing into a vanity and injured her head. The accused, a longtime customer of the stylist, said that the victim accidentally stuck her finger in his ear while she was shampooing his head, which caused him to jump, at the same time knocking the stylist into the vanity. Police noted that the victim had redness and swelling on her head consistent with striking the vanity, but could find no evidence that she had been struck by the customer.

I'm not taking sides on this one, but I kind of have to agree with the male customer. If someone accidentally stick their finger in my ear, the most likely scenario is that person is ending up with their head striking a vanity.

Showdown at the dry cleaners
Two males were arrested on assault charges after a fight erupted at a dry-cleaning business over a damaged dress shirt. A 49-year-old male customer and the 46-year-old owner of the business in the 2800 block of 228th Ave Southeast resorted to fisticuffs Dec. 30 after arguing over a tan dress shirt that the customer alleged had been damaged by the cleaners. A 51-year-old female who works at the business witnessed the altercation and accused the customer of being "out of control." Police noted there were no independent witnesses of the fight.

Once again, I don't want to take sides, but there is no credible person alive who believes that a customer who resorts to fisticuffs is "out of control." I never resort to fisticuffs because my standard operating principal is open fisticuffs. I learned this from Walker Texas Ranger. By employing fisticuffs as my natural state of being, going "out of control" means I have already bitten off your nose and I am moving on to your ears.

2007-01-18T21:09:00.001-08:00

I just took some NyQuil, sweet NyQuil.

2007-01-18T21:02:00.000-08:00

All the snow melted leaving nothing but filth.

2007-01-18T13:19:00.000-08:00

One drawback to being a parent...

The biggest drawback to being a parent that I've run into thus far is the sickness, cold, flu, etc. Not my kid's sickness (this is usually kind of plus, cause the kid ends up sleeping alot), but the fact that I catch every damn illness that my kid has about four days after she has it.

I had the kid induced flu last week that caused my pretty face to be disfigured (imagine the mid 90's Mel Gibson flick The Man Without a Face), and now I've got the crappy cough, chills, and general muscle weakness cold. The wife and kid are in Scottsdale for a few days, so I was planning on being all productive this weekend doing all the things that the two of them have been holding me back from. -- Drinking scotch, building the cool modern chair for my rumpus room, installing a new bathroom sink, and designing a new landscaping scheme that invokes both the modern masters and my personal aesthetic. Now because I'm sick, one of those things is going to have to fall off the list.

By the way, I think I've figured out who is infecting the kid with all of these illnesses. The guilty party is this little punk in her day care named Dennis. The last time I picked her up, Dennis was wandering around touching people and I noticed that he had a runny nose. I'm keeping my eye on that punk Dennis, and if this sort of stuff keeps happening, I going to report him to the daycare authorities.

2007-01-16T20:26:00.000-08:00

To All American Idol Contestants:

Unless you have three eyes or something, for the love of God, please do NOT identify your self as a crack baby. You do not gain any sympathy from me. As soon as you say, "Hi, my name Da Roche, I am a crack baby." I pretty much stop listening to you. In addition, if you are sixteen years old, you are not a baby, crack not withstanding.

2007-01-16T12:43:00.000-08:00

The worm has turned!

Even though it snowed again today, and it is actually snowing right now, I feel like things are beginning to change for the positive. I feel like I am on the cusp of everything coming up Jason. I was able to finally get my hair cut at lunch today. It looks pretty sweet. I went with the Vanilla Ice Fade cause I think that look is just about ready for a come back. The stupid lady cutting my hair tried to talk me out of it. Plew! What the heck does a middle aged Asian lady know about style!

-Word to your Mother!

2007-01-15T15:14:00.000-08:00

The winter of Calamity...

This has definitely been the kind of winter that tries men's soul. This is a small list of the kind of crap I've had to deal with over the last few months:
1.) The first wind and snow storm of the season which caused one of the trees on my property to crack, lean, and threaten to knock out the power to me and my neighborhood. Tree removal cost me $500 bucks!
2.) The second wind storm knocked down a number of trees and knocked out our power for 8 days. Due to the power outage, I started a small fire in my living room that filled the house up with smoke. You would think that not having power for 1/4 of the month would lead to a lower power bill, but you would be wrong.
3.) I got some sort of strange flu last week that caused me to somehow faint, fall over, and arrest my fall with my head, causing my beautiful face to be messed up. I cut my eye, nose, and chin, and got a sweet black eye.
4.) I have found it impossible to get my hair cut. Every time I attempt to get my hair cut the places are either so crowed, that their is a line out the door or the place is closed entirely.

When I find the Jackass that put the hex on me, I'm going to stick em with my pig sticker. Be warned!

2007-01-04T08:48:00.000-08:00

Uhmm..

Right at this very minute, a female coworker of mine in the next cube is demonstrating a yoga pose that she call the "Cobra". I'm pretty sure this is inappropriate work behaviour.

2007-01-03T12:22:00.000-08:00

I saw four Goths on my way to lunch today....

I saw four separate Goths on my way to get lunch today. It kind of makes me feel funny, not scarred or anything, just sort of unsettled. What the heck are four separate people dressed as Goths doing walking around during business hours???

Were they casing the grocery store? I could understand seeing four Goths walking together, but four separate Goths is very strange. I'm thinking that they are a Goth Gang and I think that they are planning to steal all of the gossip magazine at the grocery store. Goths like to spread unhappiness and the best way to do that is to deprive woman of the latest news of Brad and Brittney and what not.

The last Goth I saw was trying to pass as non-Goth. She looked normal but for her strange Goth Boots. These boots were black (of course), and they contained the strangest, sort of shin guard projectiles similar to the kind I wore as a child playing soccer. These strange shin guards had a large white skull and cross bones on them.

2006-12-21T11:17:00.000-08:00

Day 7...

"Fleshy-headed mutant! Are you friendly?"
- Space Cadet R.M. McKenzie
"Now way, eh! Radiation has made me an enemy of civilization!"
- The Fleshy-Headed Mutant

We have been out of power for a week now. We spend our time looking for beer... All the bowling alleys were destroyed and the fleshy headed mutants are running amok.

2006-12-15T15:43:00.000-08:00

We Survived!

We survived the massive wind storm of aught-six! We had 4 large trees blown over, two of them ended up falling on the power lines and blocking our road in. The neighbors and I cut down one of the trees and cleared a couple more, but there is still a large tree stuck in the power lines but we can drive our small car under it. Once we have power back, (which could be in six or seven days,) I will post pictures. Seacrest out!

2006-12-07T09:36:00.000-08:00

Welcome to the 21st Century!

Recently, St. Cloud MN, a city I lived in for 6 years in the mid 90's was declared as one of the 50 worst cities in America. The author of the story said that the population of St. Cloud's only form of entertainment consists of waiting in line at Arby's. Well it looks like the lives of St. Cloud's citizens just got a heck of a lot better. Now they can wait in line at Hooters!

This story recounts the grand opening of Hooters St. Cloud! Warning. If you don't want to see college girls in short shorts wearing nylons, don't follow that link.

Here are a few choice quotes from the story if you don't want your precious sensibilities harmed, "You can be yourself," Candace Blazinski said, telling why she left another themed chain restaurant after two years to work at Hooters. "You get to sing, you get to dance. It's having a ball. It goes by so fast." (Kind of like youth and beauty... shake it while you still can.) Candace also went on to explain that, "the tips are better, not going to lie." When questioned about the famous Hooter's waitressing uniforms, Candace said, "You're covered", but then went on to explain that she works out more and has cut down on drinking beer.

There seems to have been a wee bit of controversy on Wednesday during lunch when female lunch patron Pat Conners who the newspapers quotes as "Curious" criticized the waitresses uniforms by saying, "I feel it does exploit a woman's body, but the waitresses aren't objecting." (spoken like a jealous old ninny!)

It looks like the wife, kid, and I have one more reason to visit St. Cloud more frequently.

2006-11-20T13:37:00.000-08:00

GG's Cake

GG eating her cake.

2006-11-17T11:54:00.000-08:00

Hah!

I know many of you had your doubts. It's alright, you can admit it now. I've overheard snippets of conversations from time to time. But Naarah and I actually raised a honest to goodness human being for one whole year! I had my doubts after the first day when Naarah attempted to paint GG's fingernails. I can still hear the Asian nurse yelling at us: "Who paint baby nails!!!???", "Who paint baby nails!!!???" "No paint baby nails! ... ever!" Fair enough, you learn something new every day.

In the beginning, my plan was to defer to Naarah on most things baby. My reasoning was that she was the oldest of four girls and should have had plenty of experience with babies. I was the youngest child in my family and had never changed a diaper in my life. The fingernail painting incident slapped me with cold harsh reality. Anyway, I figure the hard part is over and it just gets progressively easier from here till she's eighteen. Naarah loves montages so here is GG's life in photo!

2006-11-07T10:42:00.000-08:00

Moma Dresses me like I'm "Special".

2006-11-03T09:51:00.000-08:00

The Cold War gets Hot!

I work in a large nondescript office complex which consists of approximately 12 three story buildings. My company occupies one full building and consists of approximate 500 employees, of which about 300 are men. We have 1 bathroom per floor each of which contains 2 stalls and 2 urinals. Breaking down the numbers, we have on average 100 men sharing each bathroom which makes for pretty crowed conditions during peak "business" times. Peak "business" times, I will define as between 10-11 AM and 2-3 PM Monday through Friday. A typical day for a typical male employee consists of arriving at 8 AM, drinking coffee, let's say 4 cups between 8 and 10, coffee being a diuretic, the stalls fill up pretty quick starting at 10 AM.

The afternoon rush falls between 2 and 3 PM due to the overreliance for sustenance on the unlicensed taco truck that visits our office complex parking lot. The first three months of my employment found me with no end to frustration with always finding the bathrooms in my building occupado. Spending 15 minutes every day searching for a free stall in my building is not my idea of a quality work experience, so I decided to use my God given intelligence that had earned me my job as an Optimization Manager to solve the problem.

It didn't take me long to find a solution, you could almost say the solution found me. I was having a particularly difficult time finding an empty stall one day when I gazed out my cubicle window and noticed the nearly empty office building next door. When ever my company wanted to have an all hands meeting, we would trot across the parking lot the building next door which had 2 unoccupied floors. In fact, there was talk that we may lease one of those floors due to the space constraints we were currently experiencing.

I took the short 30 yard walk that day and that experience changed my life forever. The bathrooms in the building next door were like a small slice of heaven. These bathrooms were always unoccupied, had top tier toilet paper, were complete with fully functioning air fresheners, and had a delightful hand soap that actually seem to not only clean but condition my hands. I had found my Valhalla!

I'm no dummy and I've been schooled in the tragedy of the commons. I knew I had to keep the secret of the great bathrooms to myself. If the word got out, I knew that my bathroom Taj Mahal would be destroyed. It would only take a few of the animals in my building a couple of days to turn the good bathrooms into something resembling a woman's bathroom at a gay club.

I guess I shouldn't have been surprised. The signs were all there and I had good run of almost a full year. Some of my coworkers must have noticed me on my daily jaunts next door. There is only a few reasons why a coworker would be walking next door with his copy of National Review tucked under his arm. The experience began to deteriorate over the past few months as word leaked out. I began to notice that used newspapers had begun to accumulate on the floor the bathroom. I should have confronted the cretins responsible when I first noticed people had begun to defile my temple, but hindsight is 20 - 20. I should have told them that if they didn't clean up their act, they would ruin it for all of us. To this day, I almost feel that what happened was fated. The cretins never listen and all good things come to an end.

The beginning of the end began a couple of weeks ago as I went next door during the afternoon bathroom rush. I entered the stall to attend to my business when a couple of minutes later, the bathroom door opened and someone spoke. Now I was raised with a certain level of decorum and as a result of this, I follow a number of hard and fast rules. One of these rules is that you do not speak to a man in a stall. I can imagine certain situations such as natural disasters, or terrorist attacks where this rule can be bent, but on balance I live by this rule. Because of my rule, I did not at first realize that this stranger was speaking to me. But as he repeated the question, "Why do you guys always use this bathroom?" I recovered enough to answer, "Full house next door." This bathroom Nazi apparently was not satisfied by my answer because he began a 5 minute diatribe about how I was illegally trespassing in "his" bathroom. The man had me at a bit of a disadvantage due to my current "position", so he may have won the first battle in the bathroom war.

After this incident, I went back to my building and told of my experience to my fellow male coworkers. It got hot fast, and most of my coworkers vowed not to give in to the bathroom Nazi next door. By early next week, multiple male coworkers had been confronted by the bathroom Nazi and each had similar experiences to mine. The last confrontation involved the bathroom Nazi vowing to put a keypad lock on "his" bathroom door, which I believe led the bathroom Nazi to think that he had won the war. Sure enough, one of my coworker reported the next day that a key pad was being installed.

Anything good is worth fighting for and my coworkers decided that they didn't want to give up the bathroom next door. Six months ago, my company leased the 3rd floor of the building next door. We quickly obtained the bathroom lock combination when the property management company sent it out to tenants in the building. One of my coworkers, Bobby, is a bit of a young punk and he immediately went next door to try out the combination. As Bobby was completing his business, the bathroom Nazi in a fit of rage entered the bathroom and began to pound on the stall door and gesticulate violently. Bobby popped off as he is proned to due, and felt everything was fine as the bathroom Nazi left the room. As Bobby left the bathroom, the bathroom Nazi was waiting for him in the lobby and began to physically confront him.

Bobby was pretty shook up by the incident and described the bathroom Nazi as "crazy, with strange dark eyes that were too close together." We are currently planning our next attack.

2006-10-30T10:11:00.000-08:00

More Cowbell

2006-10-24T11:11:00.000-07:00

Cat and Kid love baby food.

These pictures ought to give Grandpa Dennis a heart attack. GG and Lundy both enjoying meat sticks.