Quackery.

The latest adventures of Drunky McDrunkerstein falling down a few flights of stairs, injuring her neck, and going to the Chiropractor for relief; allows me to reflect on my feelings towards the so called science of Chiropractic Adjustment. I have always registered some skepticism toward Chiropractic Adjustment. Anyone who knows me, knows my feelings towards the forced extraction of wisdom teeth (know as the Gibraltar Conspiracy), and while my distain for Chiropractors does not exceed my distain for Oral Surgeons, it comes pretty damn close.

Earlier today, I was reflecting on why I hold such low estimations of Chiropractors and the only reason I could fathom is Elmer Baldridge. “Who the hell is Elmer Baldridge?” you say, I was just about to tell you!

Mr. Baldridge was my high school Chemistry and Physics teacher. Baldridge arrived at my Catholic High School before my Junior year under somewhat mysterious circumstances. Due to the miniscule salaries offered by Catholic schools, Catholic schools typically employ two types of teachers; young ideological teachers fresh from college who want to change the world, and older, more experience teachers who are married to Doctors, lawyers, etc. Their spouse’s income allowed these teachers to work at a school with more freedom, and generally a school population that took learning more seriously. Elmer Baldridge did not fit either of these categories.

Rumor had it that Baldridge had been fired from his previous teaching position at a public school for putting on a rubber glove during a chemistry lab and asking for a female volunteer. He was forty to fiftyish, short, balding, single, and pushing 300 lbs which may play into the reason why he will always be associated with Chiropractic Adjustments in my mind.

Baldridge’s firing and subsequent lawsuit for wrongful termination did not seem to temper his classroom behavior. He was constantly making controversially statements during class. For instance, as he was explaining the periodic table one day, a student answered a question by using the words, “Man – Made”. Baldridge said in response to this answer, “I don’t like the term Man-Made. Women helped too. The men needed someone to make their Coffee!”

On another occasion, Baldridge was lecturing on the concept of cell division or cleavage. He began his lecture by asking the question, “Does anyone have a good definition for cleavage?” Immediately after asking this question, he turned to a well endowed (my grandma would have referred to her as “blessed”) female student and said with a twinkle in his eye, “Ms. Malloy, please define cleavage!”

Getting back to the point of the story, Baldridge once told me about the Chiropractic Adjustments he had been getting every week for the past five years. According to him, his Chiropractor would usher him into his office, request that he lower his pants and under wear, and have him bend over the examination table. At this point, the “Dr” would leave the office only to return a few minutes later with a rather large snow shovel. The “Dr” would then tell Mr. Baldridge to brace himself and would smack him three times on the ass with the snow shovel. According to Baldridge, this weekly “adjustment” was the only thing that ever worked to relieve him of chronic neck and back pain.

I’m not one to judge, but I’ll be damned if I’m going to pay $120 a week to have some quack smack me in the ass with a snow shovel.