This just in!

Small gay men have successfully domesticated squirrels, we are all doomed!

Two blogs you should check out.

Here are a couple of blogs I recommend. The first is the Secrect Diary of Steve Jobs (Dude, I invented the Friggin IPod. Have you heard of it?) It is a funny ass parody of Steve Jobs. He often talks about how he hypnotizes the government officials who are try to indict him for a stock scam.

The second is in a similar vein, the Secret Diary of Hillary Clinton (YOU DON'T LIKE ME. I DON'T LIKE YOU. SEE? WE'RE PERFECT TOGETHER.) The post where she complains about the girl stalking her (it's Chelsea Clinton) is pure gold.

Check out the prison garb.



GG spilled a little juice on her pants today and we were out of back up clothes so the daycare put her is prison overalls. It is hard to see it in these pictures, but the words "Property of La Petite Academy" are printed on these overalls. The first picture is a pretty good shot of the kid's buck teeth, and the second shot is titled "The artist at work".

Let us pass a new law.

I don't know if anyone else has noticed this or not, but I am beginning to become gravely concerned with the explosion of celebrity voice over work in commercials. In the old days, celebrities would never lower themselves to appear on television. TV was where movie careers went to die. Orson Wells, at the end of his life a bloated hack, took work in commercials and was always kind of frowned upon by his former colleagues. Mickey Rooney also famously performed in Rainier Beer ads in the late 70's and 80's. Aaron Spelling famously designed a TV show around the concept of bringing on aging former movie stars as guest stars on The Love Boat.

The latest evidence of the dumbing down of celebrities has gone too far in my opinion. All of a sudden, all of the voice over work in commercials is done by movies stars. For instance, Honda now has Kevin Spacey doing the voice over work in their commercials. He states at one point that, "We work hard to bring you the best cars out there." Excuse me Kevin, what exactly did you design in the latest Honda? Did you take a few months off after filming your Bobby Darin epic to create a better ash tray in the Civic? How stupid do you think I am Kevin Spacey?

Commercial voice over work used to be the domain of extremely ugly, obese, buck-toothed, rejects who's Moms had trouble looking at them. My question is, "What the hell are these people doing now that all their jobs have been taken by the "Glory Boys"?" Does Kevin Spacey really need the extra million from Honda?

If the Democrats cared about the ugly people, they would pass a law.

I read sometimes...

At the expense of being made fun of by all of my readers, I must admit, that from time to time, I read books. There, I said it. The wife and I were at a party one time and this guy was making fun of his wife by telling us all the stupid things she did. His final piece of evidence that his wife was a moron consisted of the fact that she read. Not magazines mind you, but this guy's wife actually read books.

I just finished a biography of Mark Twain by Ron Powers. When I was about half way through, I told the wife that the book was boring the hell out of me. It got a little better towards the end, even though I knew what would happen. The interesting tid bit from the book was this quote from Twain about the US occupation of the Philippians in 1900. "But now - why, we have got into a mess, a quagmire from which each fresh step renders the difficulty of extrication immensely greater. I'm sure I wish I could see what we were getting out of it, and all it means to us as a nation." It looks like Mark Twain was the first person to describe a US war as a quagmire!

I love the Sammamish Review.

Our local rag is called the Sammamish Review. Many of you probably have similar small community "newspapers", the primary goal of which seems to be to provide a place for Realtors to list their properties and also serve as a place for cranks (like the wife) to complain about the general conditions in our communities and to pick fights with liberal do-gooders who won't be happy till our community is exactly like the California town they left do to increase un-livability.

My favorite part of our local rag is the police blotter section toward the end of the paper. Sammamish is a small bedroom community of Seattle and as such, usually the types of crimes that are reported are property theft or teenager dope fiends. Here are a few of my favorites from the January 17th edition of the Sammamish Review (Note: these are not linked due to the fact that the Sammamish Review is not online).

Bad Haircut
At 6:15 p.m. Dec. 20, police responded to an alleged assault that took place at an in home hair salon in the 3100 block of 214th Place Southeast. The victim, a 66-year old female who runs a salon out of her garage, accused a 50-year-old male of slapping her across the face after she had made fun of him during an appointment. The blow sent her crashing into a vanity and injured her head. The accused, a longtime customer of the stylist, said that the victim accidentally stuck her finger in his ear while she was shampooing his head, which caused him to jump, at the same time knocking the stylist into the vanity. Police noted that the victim had redness and swelling on her head consistent with striking the vanity, but could find no evidence that she had been struck by the customer.

I'm not taking sides on this one, but I kind of have to agree with the male customer. If someone accidentally stick their finger in my ear, the most likely scenario is that person is ending up with their head striking a vanity.

Showdown at the dry cleaners
Two males were arrested on assault charges after a fight erupted at a dry-cleaning business over a damaged dress shirt. A 49-year-old male customer and the 46-year-old owner of the business in the 2800 block of 228th Ave Southeast resorted to fisticuffs Dec. 30 after arguing over a tan dress shirt that the customer alleged had been damaged by the cleaners. A 51-year-old female who works at the business witnessed the altercation and accused the customer of being "out of control." Police noted there were no independent witnesses of the fight.

Once again, I don't want to take sides, but there is no credible person alive who believes that a customer who resorts to fisticuffs is "out of control." I never resort to fisticuffs because my standard operating principal is open fisticuffs. I learned this from Walker Texas Ranger. By employing fisticuffs as my natural state of being, going "out of control" means I have already bitten off your nose and I am moving on to your ears.

I just took some NyQuil, sweet NyQuil.

All the snow melted leaving nothing but filth.

One drawback to being a parent...

The biggest drawback to being a parent that I've run into thus far is the sickness, cold, flu, etc. Not my kid's sickness (this is usually kind of plus, cause the kid ends up sleeping alot), but the fact that I catch every damn illness that my kid has about four days after she has it.

I had the kid induced flu last week that caused my pretty face to be disfigured (imagine the mid 90's Mel Gibson flick The Man Without a Face), and now I've got the crappy cough, chills, and general muscle weakness cold. The wife and kid are in Scottsdale for a few days, so I was planning on being all productive this weekend doing all the things that the two of them have been holding me back from. -- Drinking scotch, building the cool modern chair for my rumpus room, installing a new bathroom sink, and designing a new landscaping scheme that invokes both the modern masters and my personal aesthetic. Now because I'm sick, one of those things is going to have to fall off the list.

By the way, I think I've figured out who is infecting the kid with all of these illnesses. The guilty party is this little punk in her day care named Dennis. The last time I picked her up, Dennis was wandering around touching people and I noticed that he had a runny nose. I'm keeping my eye on that punk Dennis, and if this sort of stuff keeps happening, I going to report him to the daycare authorities.

To All American Idol Contestants:

Unless you have three eyes or something, for the love of God, please do NOT identify your self as a crack baby. You do not gain any sympathy from me. As soon as you say, "Hi, my name Da Roche, I am a crack baby." I pretty much stop listening to you. In addition, if you are sixteen years old, you are not a baby, crack not withstanding.

The worm has turned!

Even though it snowed again today, and it is actually snowing right now, I feel like things are beginning to change for the positive. I feel like I am on the cusp of everything coming up Jason. I was able to finally get my hair cut at lunch today. It looks pretty sweet. I went with the Vanilla Ice Fade cause I think that look is just about ready for a come back. The stupid lady cutting my hair tried to talk me out of it. Plew! What the heck does a middle aged Asian lady know about style!

-Word to your Mother!

The winter of Calamity...

This has definitely been the kind of winter that tries men's soul. This is a small list of the kind of crap I've had to deal with over the last few months:
1.) The first wind and snow storm of the season which caused one of the trees on my property to crack, lean, and threaten to knock out the power to me and my neighborhood. Tree removal cost me $500 bucks!
2.) The second wind storm knocked down a number of trees and knocked out our power for 8 days. Due to the power outage, I started a small fire in my living room that filled the house up with smoke. You would think that not having power for 1/4 of the month would lead to a lower power bill, but you would be wrong.
3.) I got some sort of strange flu last week that caused me to somehow faint, fall over, and arrest my fall with my head, causing my beautiful face to be messed up. I cut my eye, nose, and chin, and got a sweet black eye.
4.) I have found it impossible to get my hair cut. Every time I attempt to get my hair cut the places are either so crowed, that their is a line out the door or the place is closed entirely.

When I find the Jackass that put the hex on me, I'm going to stick em with my pig sticker. Be warned!

Uhmm..

Right at this very minute, a female coworker of mine in the next cube is demonstrating a yoga pose that she call the "Cobra". I'm pretty sure this is inappropriate work behaviour.

I saw four Goths on my way to lunch today....

I saw four separate Goths on my way to get lunch today. It kind of makes me feel funny, not scarred or anything, just sort of unsettled. What the heck are four separate people dressed as Goths doing walking around during business hours???

Were they casing the grocery store? I could understand seeing four Goths walking together, but four separate Goths is very strange. I'm thinking that they are a Goth Gang and I think that they are planning to steal all of the gossip magazine at the grocery store. Goths like to spread unhappiness and the best way to do that is to deprive woman of the latest news of Brad and Brittney and what not.

The last Goth I saw was trying to pass as non-Goth. She looked normal but for her strange Goth Boots. These boots were black (of course), and they contained the strangest, sort of shin guard projectiles similar to the kind I wore as a child playing soccer. These strange shin guards had a large white skull and cross bones on them.