I love the Sammamish Review.

Our local rag is called the Sammamish Review. Many of you probably have similar small community "newspapers", the primary goal of which seems to be to provide a place for Realtors to list their properties and also serve as a place for cranks (like the wife) to complain about the general conditions in our communities and to pick fights with liberal do-gooders who won't be happy till our community is exactly like the California town they left do to increase un-livability.

My favorite part of our local rag is the police blotter section toward the end of the paper. Sammamish is a small bedroom community of Seattle and as such, usually the types of crimes that are reported are property theft or teenager dope fiends. Here are a few of my favorites from the January 17th edition of the Sammamish Review (Note: these are not linked due to the fact that the Sammamish Review is not online).

Bad Haircut
At 6:15 p.m. Dec. 20, police responded to an alleged assault that took place at an in home hair salon in the 3100 block of 214th Place Southeast. The victim, a 66-year old female who runs a salon out of her garage, accused a 50-year-old male of slapping her across the face after she had made fun of him during an appointment. The blow sent her crashing into a vanity and injured her head. The accused, a longtime customer of the stylist, said that the victim accidentally stuck her finger in his ear while she was shampooing his head, which caused him to jump, at the same time knocking the stylist into the vanity. Police noted that the victim had redness and swelling on her head consistent with striking the vanity, but could find no evidence that she had been struck by the customer.

I'm not taking sides on this one, but I kind of have to agree with the male customer. If someone accidentally stick their finger in my ear, the most likely scenario is that person is ending up with their head striking a vanity.

Showdown at the dry cleaners
Two males were arrested on assault charges after a fight erupted at a dry-cleaning business over a damaged dress shirt. A 49-year-old male customer and the 46-year-old owner of the business in the 2800 block of 228th Ave Southeast resorted to fisticuffs Dec. 30 after arguing over a tan dress shirt that the customer alleged had been damaged by the cleaners. A 51-year-old female who works at the business witnessed the altercation and accused the customer of being "out of control." Police noted there were no independent witnesses of the fight.

Once again, I don't want to take sides, but there is no credible person alive who believes that a customer who resorts to fisticuffs is "out of control." I never resort to fisticuffs because my standard operating principal is open fisticuffs. I learned this from Walker Texas Ranger. By employing fisticuffs as my natural state of being, going "out of control" means I have already bitten off your nose and I am moving on to your ears.